Tag: 15 Weird Questions

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Hi guys! So It’s another day and another tag because quite frankly I am way too busy dealing with exams and final assignments to blog. I’m actually about a week away from finishing my polytechnic life forever so that’s exciting.

So I basically decided to pull out an old draft and post that instead of just vanishing for weeks.

So anyway, I thought it would be cool to do the 15 weird questions tag because I love weird questions. I mean I think you only really know a person when you ask weird questions because then you really get to the nitty gritty of a person.

What’s a nickname only your family calls you?

Cams

What’s a weird habit of yours?

I bite the skin on my fingers. I know. It’s weird and gross and often painful but yes.

Do you have any weird phobias?

I have a phobia of swallowing pills. It used to be every single pill but I’ve gotten a lot better and now I can swallow small pills. I still have to crush quite a number of pills though.

What’s a song you secretly LOVE to blast & belt out when you’re alone?

Oh my there’s so many! Strangers Like Me by Phil Collins, Halo by Beyonce and I Want It That Way by the Backstreet Boys to name a few.

Quite honestly most of my music is either Disney or 1980s or way too indie for anyone else to enjoy.

What’s one of your biggest pet peeves?

People who are rude and inconsiderate. Also people who are not punctual and responsible.

What’s one of your nervous habits?

I bite the inside of my left cheek sometimes till it bleeds. I developed that habit when I went for my first MRI and I was about to have a nervous breakdown while I was trapped in that noisy machine  for what seemed like hours.

What side of the bed do you sleep on?

Well I sleep on a single normally but when we are on holiday or anything I always sleep on the left or the side that is next to the window.

What was your first stuffed animal & what was its name?

I don’t know what my first stuffed toy was but the first one I remember was a blue rabbit that my dad got me. It had a name attached to his foot but I forgot what it was.

What’s the drink you ALWAYS order at Starbucks?

The key to my heart is knowing my Starbucks order. So it’s a tall chocolate chip frappuccino with one pump of hazelnut, one pump of mocha, extra java chips and whipped cream. Never forget the whipped cream and I’ll hate you if you get me anything more then a tall.

What’s the beauty rule you preach.. but never ACTUALLY practice

Using toner haha! I used to religiously use toner twice a day and I swore by it but somehow I just got lazy and now I tell everyone about toner but I don’t actually use it anymore.

Which way do you face in the shower?

The shower head side.

Do you have any ‘weird’ body ‘skills’?

Not really.

What’s your favorite ‘comfort food’/food thats ‘bad’ but you love to eat it anyways?

Instant noodles.

What’s a phrase or exclamation you always say?

Oh my God.

Time to sleep- what are you ACTUALLY wearing?

An oversized t-shirt and long pants that are probably oversized as well.

So there you go. A very weird tag I must say.

Anyway, I hope you guys don’t mind that I probably will disappear for the next week. It’s my final week then I’m done and I’ll be back here with loads of exciting content.

Till then, love you guys loads!

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Tips For Staying in

Hey guys! So as you know, I am a huge fan of staying in. If you follow me on my Snapchat or Instagram, you would know that Friday nights for me means turning on a scented candle and curling up with a book.

While I have made significant efforts to get out more lately, deep in my heart, I am a huge fan of nights in and I’m not entirely sorry about it.

So today, I thought I would give you guys three tips for staying in.

1. Buy a scented candle


You can’t do a night in without a scented candle in my opinion so go out to Yankee Candle or your favourite store and buy yourself a scented candle.

Personally I think the autumnal scents are the best for when you’re staying in because they give you that added cosy feeling even if it may be boiling hot outside.

My personal favourites are the Apple Cider and Cinnamon candles from Yankee.

I also strongly suggest investing in a candle warmer. A candle warmer basically warms your candle so that the wax melts without you ever having to light a fire. Perfect for people like me who are scared of fire or who tend to fall asleep with the candle still on.

So you can curl up in bed and not have to worry about burning your house down.

2. Pick a short book

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For me, a night in usually means reading. But you want to feel accomplished because a night spent curled up should always have a nice feeling of accomplishment at the end.

I don’t know. I feel like after time out with a friend, I feel accomplished. Like hey I’ve spent time with this person that I care for and I’ve strengthened our relationship. So the key to a good night in is feeling a similar sense of accomplishment.

So what I like to do is to pick a book that is short. Perhaps something like a poetry book or a novella. And I’ll binge read it and the satisfaction is amazing.

3. Turn off your phone

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Now I’m guilty of this as well but very often, our quiet night in can become something entirely different because of a text you might have gotten or because of something you saw on Instagram. Not to mention the fact that when you start scrolling, you sometimes don’t stop till hours later.

So my advice is to just turn your phone off or keep it in a place that you can’t reach easily.

Don’t let your quiet night be ruined by people on the outside.

So there you have it. Three things that I recommend you do to have the perfect stay in. Remember that it’s okay to say no to an outing sometimes in favour of me time. Me time is extremely important so prioritise it for yourself.

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My 2016 Wrap Up


I’m not going to give you that ‘time flies’ nonsense today. I mean obviously time flew this year but I think I’ve done so much in these last 12 months that if I look back, I can actually account for the time. Anyway, I wanted to wrap up this year by giving you guys a little run down of my year because some memories are worth documenting.

I got my drivers licence

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In January, I finally passed my driving test (after three tries) and I got my driver’s licence. I honestly don’t know how the heck I managed to hypnotise anyone to let me be on the road legally if I’m being honest.

Anyway, in less then a month, I will be taking off the triangle that we are required to stick on our cars in the first year of getting our license and I will be officially off probation.

I won’t lie. Driving has been one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I can drive but I hate it because it terrifies me to no end. As a result of that, my dad has had to literally force me behind the wheel as often as he can so that I will practice.

And while I still do have a very very long way to go, I am making progress. In fact, just last week, I took the car with my brother (who can’t drive yet) and I drove to the airport to pick up my dad who was flying back home from a business trip.

I consider that to be my first solo drive because obviously my brother could not help me if I ran into trouble. This was the first trip I’ve done without another licensed driver in the car and I couldn’t be more proud of myself.

I did my first internship


This year, I did my very first internship. I did six months at Youth.SG and I enjoyed my time so much. I really grew so much in that time and I made so many friends who I still keep in contact with today.

I honestly can’t believe how much my internship shaped me. In a way, I think it forced me to grow up and to face a lot of the things that I’ve always found to be quite terrifying like meeting new people, going to new places and doing new things.

Another awesome thing was the people. As I mentioned, I made so many new friends in my internship and I really feel like we all became a sort of family. In school, I was so used to toxic people that I just expected that from Youth.SG. But instead I found some of the most genuine and loveable people ever and I am so grateful for the six months where I got to feel wanted and important.

I mean everything I did was celebrated while I was at Youth. Yes I got into trouble sometimes (for not keeping to the house style mostly oops) but I felt really valued there. Like what I wrote was important.

In fact, I went back to visit the office a few days ago and everyone was so happy to see me and it made me feel so good.

All I can say is that I am so grateful to Youth.SG and I really owe them a lot.

I covered loads of concerts


Because of my job, I got the opportunity to go for many concerts this year to review them. I saw The Sam Willows at the Music Run, Greyson Chance,  Jay Chou,  Sam Tsui and Kurt Schneider, Tiffany Alvord, Gentle Bones, Selena Gomez and Simple Plan. Yup. Looking at that list I really do realise how blessed I’ve been.

I also got to meet and interview Greyson Chance, Charlie Lim and Jai Waetford which was incredible.

I covered loads of events and met loads of people


One of the best things I did this year was to freelance. I wrote for a number of other publications after I left Youth.SG and because of that (and also Youth.SG), I managed to go to a lot of very cool events and openings this year.

This year, I got to cover the Illumi Run, the launch party of the Music Run, the opening of the Friends cafe in Singapore, Singapore Writer’s Festival, the media preview of a new gameshow, media previews of movies and so much more.

These events were so much fun but above that, it really helped me to build my confidence. I can now attend an event and if I’m alone, I don’t really care. Many times, we are sent to cover events alone and because of that, I have been forced to learn how to function on my own. A skill that I previously did not have.

I put out my Working on the Dead series


This year, I pitched a very  adventurous series. If you’ve been following me for a while, you would know that this series was the Working on the Dead series. Essentially this article led me to some very crazy places.

I ended up watching two embalmings, going for a Buddhist encoffining, watching an embalmer clean and place a foetus into a coffin and even following a funeral director and a coffin to the fright terminal to watch them load the coffin into a plane. I talked to so many amazing people in the funeral industry, had some creepy experiances, broke down many times and achieved one of my biggest successes to date. It was epic.

I got two of my articles promoted on social media

One of my proudest achievements this year was that two of the articles I wrote for Youth.SG got promoted on their social media. That means that they paid Facebook, Twitter and Instagram to have my article pop up everywhere. It was really surreal especially when a  friend found one of my articles being promoted on 9Gag.

I experienced my first relationships


Okay here’s where I come clean. The boy that I was all messed up about a little while ago was the second guy. Earlier this year there was another guy who liked me and we went out and texted and that kinda stuff.

Unfortunately I just felt like he and I didn’t really get each other in the way I wanted us to so I ended it with him. Very uneventful in my opinion because I wasn’t even upset which yes, I do feel bad about because I think he actually liked me but yes. It happened.

Anyway, this year I experienced my first brush with relationships. Yes they both ended before they really began but it’s given me a lot of perspective when dealing with guys.

I read 61 books


Last year, I read 114 book. So this year was quite an insane drop to 61 books but also I know that with my internship and my cousin’s wedding, I barely had any time at all so I’m not too disappointed. I’m just glad that I reached my Goodreads goal (even though I had to tweak it here and there along the way).

I went clubbing for the first time


A while ago, I made the decision that before I turned 20, I wanted to go clubbing at least once. That very day, I got an email inviting me to cover the soft opening of Zouk’s new location in Clarke Quay.

So I went with my best friend and she and I had such a good time. We drank and I got so high and we danced and we got hit on a couple of times and I had such an incredible time. Certainly a night I’ll remember (kinda haha) for a long time to come.

The best part was that I got home at 5.30am, had breakfast with my parents and then we went straight to church without sleep because my parents’s rule (really my grandma’s rule) is that you can club till all hours as long as you make it to church still. So that was really fun.

So there you go. My year in a nutshell. Obviously a lot more happened this year but these were some of the highlights. I truly am so happy with how much I grew and learnt this year. You know a lot of good and a lot of bad happened this year but I think I can still very proudly say that this was one of the best years of my life.

I mean ever since I was 10, I’ve been working towards becoming a writer and this year, I finally got to see what it really means to be a journalist and I am so happy with my career choice. I have so much passion for what I do and this year really showed me that I can really do this for the rest of my life.

Emotionally, I grew so much stronger as well. I think getting my heart broken this year was the most devastating thing to happen and I still am feeling the aftershocks. You know every time I see a picture pop up on Instagram or when I see that he’s liked one of my pictures or that he’s watched my snapchat story. There’s always that jolt. But I’ve grown so much stronger for that and it’s only because I’ve grown stronger that I don’t regret him at all. I’m just a really sentimental person.

In some ways though, I think I’ll never love as carelessly again and that is something that I both resent and appreciate. With him being my first real something, I think I threw myself in and I allowed myself to love him with everything I had. I don’t think I’ll ever do that again. I think I finally get why people say that once they’ve been hurt, it’s hard to learn to love again. I’ll never let myself be so vulnerable again.

Aside from that, meeting so many people and getting to see such cool things as part of being a journalist was such a huge part of my year. I feel like meeting all these people just opened my eyes to a world that I would have never gotten to see if I didn’t do what I do.

Just this week, I got to see a 16 week old foetus who had died a day before Christmas. I watched an embalmer wash the foetus and place her in a coffin and it was so sad but also so fascinating. I mean who gets to say that they’ve seen that? I am constantly discovering new things about my world and I love it.

2o16 will always be the year that I grew up. It will be the year that I formed some of my closest friendships. It will be the year that I learnt what it means to push yourself to your limit. What it means to be brave. What it means to be kind and gentle in the face of extreme cruelty.What it means to be mature. What it means to carry on even though your world is shattering. 2016 will always be the best year of my life and I hope it was yours as well.

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20 Things I’ve Learnt at 20

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Hello guys! It’s my 20th birthday today! I can’t believe this is the third birthday that I’ve spent on here. It’s a little strange to know that as this blog grows, I’m also growing. I feel like I’ve managed to clock a lot of pretty major milestones and experiences here and it’s just pretty incredible and special.

So last year, on my birthday, I put up a post called 19 Things I’ve Learnt At 19 and I thought in keeping with that, I would give you guys 20 things that I’ve learnt since I turned 19 a year ago.

1. Office politics is a very real thing. Do whatever it takes to be liked by your boss and you will see many doors open for you.

2. Remember that sometimes, being right is not as important as respecting authority. Your superiors will never like you if you constantly push for what you feel is right and when you disregard them. Remember. They are your superiors for a reason.

3. People will always be jealous of you for some reason or the other. The idea is to ignore them, recognise that you are fantabulous and keep moving on.

4. I know this is said many times, but believe it when I say that real friendships develop when you guys are there for each other during the heartbreaks, the failures and the loss. No strong friendship was ever built on sunshine alone.

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5. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Even though many signs may point to someone wanting to be in a relationship with you, always proceed with caution until you can be absolutely sure.

6. Communication is very important in any relationship and it can really break or make it.

7. Games are for children and if you still insist on playing them as an adult, you will find that people will avoid you like the plague. No one enjoys being with someone who plays games with them and their feelings.

8. No matter what, always treat people the way you would want to be treated. How would you want to be let down? How would you like your best friend to respond when you tell her you’ve been hurt? Treat people as if they were you.

9. Speaking of treating people right, remember also that you will never please everybody so sometimes you need to make the decision to do what’s best for you even if it means that you aren’t very nice to people. You are important as well.

10. Post the pictures that make you smile instead of the ones where you look perfect or the ones which you know will get you loads of likes. Post the blurry picture where you’re laughing weirdly at a joke that was just said because you will look back at that and you will remember and you will be happier then if you had posted that perfectly staged photo.

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11. Nothing amazing will ever be achieved if you are constantly comfortable and constantly doing things by the book. Bend the rules. Push yourself to do things that you may be terrified of or that most people are terrified of. That is what will make you great.

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12. When you’re young, do all the crazy things you want in terms of your career. Make decisions on a whim, dare to do things that are usually not done and say things you shouldn’t say but that people need to hear. If you mess up, this is the only time that you can feign that you did not know the rules and where you can get away with it. If you succeed, you will reap the benefits of that for a very long time to come.

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13. New experiences are important. Try everything even if you think you may not like it. You never know what kind of fun you could discover.

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14. Make plans with people. Sometimes you need to make the effort to keep a friendship from just fizzling out and that’s okay. Do it because friends are very important and you should never be petty about things like this.

15. You’ll never find love when you’re actively looking for it. Take a step back and just live. Love will come.

16. Don’t respond in anger every time. Sometimes you need to pick your battles and know when to let things go even if it’s the hardest thing to do.

17. Having a quiet chat with a friend over food or a drink is as good as therapy. Do it often.

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18. Say yes to as many things as you possibly can because experiences shape you and even though you might feel out of place at an event, you still have that experience and that’s what matters.

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19. If you’re feeling sad, try this: Walk into a Starbucks and order a chocolate chip frappachino with extra java chips, a shot of hazelnut, a shot of mocha and extra whipped cream. This is a Nutella Frapp (a recipe my best friend and I created through trial and error) and it will cure even the worst of days.

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20. Being happy is a conscious decision that you have to make every single moment. You can choose happiness or you can choose to be sad. You can choose to be excited about the prospect of school next week or you can choose to be miserable about it. Make the right choice and life will always work out.

So there you have it. It was a lot more lengthy then last year and that’s because I really learnt so much this year and I’ve really come so far. Honestly this year, I think I grew more then ever. I’m so proud of myself and I truly hope that some of these things helped you out as well. It’s important to me to know that what I put out can impact someone positively.

Here’s to being yet another year older. I look forward to continuing to grow and learn with you. Lots of love as always.

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This is How You Will Heal

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My love.

This is how you will heal:

In the beginning, you will feel like a knife has been jammed into your heart. You will feel that knife every time you move and that will make you want to stay in bed forever.

Eventually, you will have to get up and you will have to function. And as you start to function, the knife will disappear slowly. It will take time but one day, you will remember that knife and realise that it’s actually been gone for a while now and you just haven’t noticed.

You will blame yourself. Oh God will you blame yourself. Even if it was clearly nothing you did, babe you will blame yourself. You will find fault in everything you did. Did you love too hard? Were you too available? Did you give him the wrong signals?

Eventually, you will become more rational. As the hurt clears, you will see things clearer and you will see that nothing could have prevented the inevitable. In fact, you’re probably better off without someone who would have a problem  just because you know what you want.

You will want to stalk him on all his social media. It’s probably the worst thing you could do to yourself but sometimes we just have to let ourselves do it. So go ahead and check up on him as many times a day as you need.

Eventually, you’ll go from checking his profile 10 times a day to 8 and then to 4 and finally you’ll wonder why on earth you ever bothered to invest time in tracking his every move when he is no longer important to you.

If you have not unfollowed each other, you are going to spend ages analysing why he still likes your pictures and watches your snaps. Eventually, the jolt you get every time you see his name in your notifications will fade to a bump and eventually, you will no longer feel anything. Eventually, he will just become one of those irrelevant free likes. Trust me. It will happen.

You will want to listen to all the music that reminds you of him because it will make you feel closer to him. Forget how bad it makes you feel. You need to feel him even if it is only through music. Okay. Listen to the songs.

Eventually, you will realise that all this does is put you in a funk and you will make the decision to put on a happy song and dance around in your room with wet hair and you will be so incredibly happy that you will wonder why you ever sacrificed your happiness just to preserve a memory with him.

You will feel lonely. You will look at other couples and you will be jealous.  You will want what they have and that’s not wrong but it’s not going to help you. Doing that only leads to rebounds and that’s not fair to anyone.

One day, you will realise that you have settled unintentionally into your single hood and that’s when you will be ready to find someone else and to be happy with them.

So my darling, this is how you will heal. You will go through the pain but you will come through on the other side. Even if it doesn’t feel that way right now, know that there is an end to your tunnel. Pain is inevitable. Sometimes you just have to ride it out. Know that I am rooting for you.

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This Is My Goodbye To You

 

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Hey guys. Today I wanted to do something a little different.

If you read the letter I posted to myself, you would know that 3 weeks ago, someone I cared about greatly did a very douchebag thing to me and whatever it was that we had ended very abruptly.

I firstly want to say that I am okay. When I wrote that letter, I was barely holding it together. I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t been enough for him when I had given this my everything and I cracked.

That was some time ago and it’s taken a lot but I am much better. I still have my ups and downs. I still obsess sometimes. I still think about him too much but that knife that was jammed in my heart has disappeared.

I think, especially on this blog, I can make you guys believe that I live, breathe and dream books but that’s not true. My life is so much more then the pages of a book.

Which is why I think I went about this wrong. When it happened, besides the letter, I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t tell my parents until much later (simply because I didn’t want their sympathy. Not for any other reason) and I only told a select few people what had really happened and what he had actually done.

But heartbreak is an experience. A highly charged, deeply scarring and breathtaking experience. And I should never have decided to shy away from writing about it because my words would have been powerful if I had let it engulf me.

So today I thought I would share with you guys an open letter I wrote to him in August. I never shared it with anyone, including him, but I always knew that I would publish it one day. It was just a matter of when and I think I’m finally ready to share it.

I’ve left the entire letter intact except for the final paragraph which I only just added because I wanted this to be a goodbye letter.

So yes. I’m finally accepting it. I’m finally moving on. I’m on my way to being okay.

Dear You,

I need you to know this. I need you to know that I never experienced such intense emotions as I did the day you waltzed into my life.

I need you to know that I have never felt such indescribable joy. The kind of joy where you can’t stop smiling. The kind that takes over your whole being and just makes it impossible to think of anything but the feeling of your hand on my back or of the time you shyly said I was pretty.

But then there was also the intense grief. The pain I felt when you drifted away. The tears I cried when you forgot and made me feel like a second choice. The heavy feeling when I couldn’t tell you what I really felt. Every time I tried, you turned me down.

I want you to know that when you entered my life, you changed everything. Without meaning to, I dropped my heart in your hands and suddenly, you were in charge. I want you to know that the rational side of me screamed and begged me to be careful. I want you to know how many of my friends fiercely encircled me and made me blankly promise to keep my heart safe from you.

I want you to know that despite everything, I still gave you my heart. I still told the people I loved the most about how happy you made me. I allowed myself to go crazy analysing your every text, your every move, your everything. I allowed myself to believe that we could one day actually be something.

I need you to know that I read so much into everything. That at times I convinced myself that I was worthless and that you were just putting up with me. I wanted to throw in the towel so many times. I didn’t understand why you were doing what you were doing and I drove myself crazy wondering. God I wish you knew just how crazy you drove me.

I need you to know that I never believed that we would last forever. That even though you were perfect for me in every way, I knew that one day, I would find myself sitting on my bathroom floor, crying raw tears over you.

That one day, I would be miles away from you and your name would be a bitter taste in my mouth. That perhaps one day I would look back and remember these incredible few months where we texted every day and craved to know everything we could about each other and I would smile.

Yet I still allowed you in. I still let you slowly lower my guard. I stupidly let you in even though I knew that one day, you would hurt me so badly.

I want you to know that I understood why you had to say no to me. I was hurt but I understood. Not for the first time, I put you above myself. I always put you first and the worst part is that you knew you had me wrapped around your finger. You knew and you let it happen anyway.

You should know that no matter what, every time our song comes on, I’ll think of you. I’ll think of sitting next to you in your car with you telling me to sing along and to not be afraid to sound bad. I’ll remember dancing to drum solos at traffic lights. I’ll remember falling in love with you in the quiet darkness. I’ll remember everything.

I don’t know if I’ll look back at this letter and laugh at how juvenile I was. Or if I’ll look back and ask myself why in the hell I didn’t see it coming. But there you go. There’s three months worth of feelings and memories that you have given me.

So goodbye. I wish it hadn’t ended the way it did and I wish I hadn’t misjudged your character so badly. I wish I hadn’t fallen so fast and I wish I had listened to the people that pointed out the red flags. But you know, I don’t wish you ill. I hope you have a good life. That’s all.

Love,
Cam

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A Letter To Myself: The End Of A Chapter

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Dear Cam,

I wanted to write you a letter because a lot is going on in your life right now and I wanted to  help you close this chapter. I want to write to you because one day, when everything is okay again, I want you to be able to look back and to see how far you’ve come.

So let’s start from the top. It’s over. Okay. It’s okay. You are okay. It’s hurting like crazy now. You want to cry.  It feels like a knife has been stabbed into your heart. It feels like that knife twists every time you move. Everything in you is shattering and I know it’s so damn hard. I know. But babe, you will be okay.

You survived 19 years and 6 months without him and you will continue to survive. You will continue to be the happy, cheerful person you have always been. You will continue to immerse yourself in life. You will continue to get every bit of life that you deserve and you will be okay.

He was not, and will never be, the sun.

Feeling wanted is a great feeling but look around you. Look at how many people circled you when it all went to hell. Look at how many people fiercely protected you even when it  was going good.

Look around and see how many people love you. Look around and see how wanted you are. My love, you don’t need the validation of a single boy to feel wanted. To feel important. I promise you that you are loved beyond measure.

You will find him one day and it will be magical. Just because it’s not right now does not mean it will never happen. You’ve got everything ahead of you. You’ve got someone so much better ahead of you. Someone who won’t do half the things he did to you. Someone who will look at you and who will actually see you. So hold on and be patient.

School is starting next week and I know you’re so excited but also so scared. Listen to me. You got all the subjects you wanted. God has blessed you with everything your heart desired this semester. I know it feels like you are going to be walking onto a battleground come Monday but I want you to hold your head up high okay?

I want you to walk into that lecture hall and I want you to sit exactly where you want to sit. If no one sits next to you for a whole semester again, who cares. It just means less distraction and a better chance for you to excel.

I know you don’t have a group for the projects yet and that is terrifying but you know what? Who cares. You will get a group and you will work with them and you will do well. You are smart. You work harder then anyone I know and you will do well. Screw what everyone else says or does. You keep doing your thing.

I have watched you grow so much over the last six months. Your internship turned you into a fearless warrior. Look at you. Look at what you have accomplished. What reason does anyone have to look down on you? What reason does anyone in the world have to believe that you are incapable?

Babe, you walked into an embalming room audaciously. Even though the first embalming sent you spiralling for over a month, you walked in there and you did it. What makes you think you can’t walk into a classroom with that same attitude? What makes you so much more afraid of a lecture hall? They are just people. Just people.

After all, school is school and life is life. And you have proven that you can excel in life just as much as you can in school.

I mean for goodness sake! Just would you look at yourself? Just look! You’ve come so far. Where’s the anxious girl who was constantly having anxiety attacks and crying herself to sleep? Where’s the girl who hid herself away all the time and used books as a way to turn invisible? Where’s the girl who was scared to talk to someone unfamiliar much less interview them? She’s gone and you’ve taken her place and I don’t know about you but I really prefer this version of you.

Two weeks ago, you made the decision to talk about something that you probably should not have talked about. Now I’m not an oracle and I can’t tell you what the consequences of telling will have or even if it was the right choice to make. But for now, stop worrying. You did what you thought was best at that time and there’s no taking it back. All you can do is trust that it will be handled the way it should be. Believe that it will be okay alright? You made a brave decision and now you will deal with the consequences because that is what you need to do. He trusted you and only you because of this. You have not betrayed him. You have saved him.

This week, your family came together in a way that you thought no longer possible. I am so happy that if only for a few days, you could experience a life that you really deserved. You never deserved what happened. What’s happening. You never did anything wrong even though I know you blame yourself. So I’m happy for you okay. Hold on to that feeling. Hold on to that scrap of normal because you will need it in the months to come.

They are there. Even though it seems like your family is slipping through your fingers. Even though you feel like you are drifting very far from them. They are there. They are here and they love you and when the storm clears, they will still be there. So just please hang on to that knowledge okay?

You have come so far and I’m so proud of you. No matter what happens from this point on, you will always have so much to be proud of. I love you very much and quite frankly that’s all that matters. Keep your chin up. You got this.

Lots of Love,
Cam

How To Love The Broken Girl

It’s difficult to love someone who has been broken by life. Someone who has never known love. Someone who has spent her whole life believing that she is a second choice. Someone who has had everything they could ever know about love ripped to shreds in front of her. Someone who has had the people that were supposed to be her role model in love shatter her every belief about it.
She’s sworn that her past would never affect her future but the thing is, as much as she will try to deny it and brush it off, she can never run away from the scars that other people left tattooed on her heart.

It’s difficult because you need to work to convince her that she is worth enough that someone would actually stay. You need to make sure that she knows that you aren’t going to jump off the wagon the second something goes wrong.

Because you see, all she has ever known if that when voices are raised, people leave. People start to hate. Everything goes wrong. You need to let her get upset and when it’s over, you need to make damn well sure that she knows that you are still right there on the wagon with her. It’s not her fault that she has grown up with people who fought wrongly. Who constantly remained in a toxic places.

When you love someone who is broken, you have to know that she will do one of two things. She will either immediately retreat the second a red flag presents itself or she will allow herself to brush it off. She will excuse your behaviour or worse, she will blame herself. So you can’t take advantage of her. Not ever.

When you love someone who is broken, you need to know that she will overthink your every move much more then any girl normally would. She will look for red flags and actually find them even when there are none to be found. You need to be prepared to work extra hard to convince her that she was right to let you in and that you will not shatter her.

Because you see, someone who is broken will constantly walk on eggshells. They will constantly second guess their decisions. They will constantly want to throw in the towel and cower under a blanket. They will go through rocky tides of being extremely happy and extremely upset with the relationship.

But when you love someone who is broken in the right way that you should, you have to know that she will love you back with every atom in her being. You have to know that she will fiercely and proudly call you hers. She will place you on a pedestal and she will love you.

So if you plan to love this broken girl, make sure you do it right and make sure that you have no plans to leave her. Because once she’s in, she’s in it for the long run and you better be ready to run alongside her.

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Five Relationship Killers Only You Can Control

 

Hey guys! Today I’ve got something a little special for you. Maria Benson, one of the authors of ‘Driving Me Wild’ is here today to give us some advice about relationships and what we can do to avoid basically killing them.  – Cam

Nearly every person in the dating game has had a relationship fall apart without having a clue where it all started going wrong. Being creatures of habit who fail to identify our role in the faulty foundation of our relationships, we often repeat the behaviors that doomed us in the first place.

See how to rid your life of these common mistakes:

1) Giving 90%, Getting 10

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Find yourself constantly dropping everything at a moment’s notice for your latest suitor? Answering the phone at 2am for a booty call? Do you text him throughout the day, only to get a “Out w my friends. Come if u want.” response 6 hours later? Do you respond to “Mystery Man” by re-arranging everything to be at his side? If so, we have a problem. While it’s important to be dedicated and available to your partner, you must also expect them to meet you in the middle. Anything less is an early marker of future catastrophe.

2) Trying to fix the other person

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We have all heard the saying, “you can’t control anyone except yourself.” So, why do we keep trying to control, mold, and shape other people? Look, I’m a believer in the human capacity for positive change. However, nearly a decade as a licensed mental health counselor has show me that if the desire to change does not come from within the individual (notice that I did not say from a girlfriend with great intentions and a beautiful vision for their future together), lasting change ain’t gonna happen.

3) Distancing yourself from family and friends

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We’ve all experienced the captivating desire and obsession that come with the initial stages of love. These stages are beautiful and often form the foundation for long-term relationships. However, too often we let our new love influence us to neglect friends and family who have offered us support, feedback, and reflection for years. They know us better than anyone else. If your partner doesn’t mesh with your closest friends and family, realize there’s a chance they will fail to mesh with you down the line.

4) Avoiding conflict so they will “like” you

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I’m the first to admit that conflict is scary in a new relationship. If you dare to speak your mind about his dog using your laundry pile as an outhouse, or about his snide remarks about your sister, will he still like you? As you try to decide what to do in situations like these, remember: Healthy conflict is healthy. Let’s say it again: HEALTHY CONFLICT IS HEALTHY. This means that you each have to learn to disagree and speak your minds in a way that feels safe for both of you. Unaddressed issues always lead to resentment.

5) Ignoring your non-negotiables

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Every person should have a list of non-negotiables that they want in their partner. If you don’t have this list- I mean an actual, physical list- you need to make one ASAP! These are items that, at your core, you must have or avoid in a future partner. They can be concrete qualities, personality characteristics, or both. Personally, my list included a partner with ambition and compassion for others, someone who wouldn’t be vindictive when arguing, and who had no history of violence. In my experience, deviating from these standards has only led to heartache.

The experiences of Aimee Chase, the protagonist of my new novel Driving Me Wild, are hopefully a humorous reminder that eliminating these “killers” from our behavior patterns doesn’t happen overnight. Be patient with yourself and give it time. In addition to my own work, I recommend you check out Anxious To Please by James Rapson and Craig English as you develop the confidence needed to foster healthy relationship behaviors – before and after you find Mr. Right.

Maria Benson, co-author of the novel Driving Me Wild, is a licensed mental health and addictions therapist in Indianapolis. Maria’s drive for adventure and her dedication to helping women find their identity and voice in the face of adversity motivate her professional pursuits and her writing. Learn more at authormariabenson.com.

 

If This Is What Love Is

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If this is what love is, I both want no part in it but I also want it all.
I don’t know how to tell you how afraid I am of letting you in.
I don’t know how to tell you that I’m already in too deep.

I don’t know how to tell you that I’m scared
and I know you’re scared too but I need you to not be scared.
For my sake I need you to be less scared then I am.

I keep expecting you to leave.
I keep telling myself that if I drop the conversation, you’ll never text me again.
I keep thinking that you probably actually don’t really like me that much.

I keep thinking and thinking
and it’s really not getting me very far.
All that happens is that I just get more and more scared.

Everyone has told me to protect my heart.
But I don’t know how to do that.
I fell fast and hard and now I don’t really know what to do.

I don’t know what I’m doing.
I don’t know what I’m writing.
All I know is that I like you and I hope you like me too.

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