Hey guys. Today I wanted to do something a little different.
If you read the letter I posted to myself, you would know that 3 weeks ago, someone I cared about greatly did a very douchebag thing to me and whatever it was that we had ended very abruptly.
I firstly want to say that I am okay. When I wrote that letter, I was barely holding it together. I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t been enough for him when I had given this my everything and I cracked.
That was some time ago and it’s taken a lot but I am much better. I still have my ups and downs. I still obsess sometimes. I still think about him too much but that knife that was jammed in my heart has disappeared.
I think, especially on this blog, I can make you guys believe that I live, breathe and dream books but that’s not true. My life is so much more then the pages of a book.
Which is why I think I went about this wrong. When it happened, besides the letter, I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t tell my parents until much later (simply because I didn’t want their sympathy. Not for any other reason) and I only told a select few people what had really happened and what he had actually done.
But heartbreak is an experience. A highly charged, deeply scarring and breathtaking experience. And I should never have decided to shy away from writing about it because my words would have been powerful if I had let it engulf me.
So today I thought I would share with you guys an open letter I wrote to him in August. I never shared it with anyone, including him, but I always knew that I would publish it one day. It was just a matter of when and I think I’m finally ready to share it.
I’ve left the entire letter intact except for the final paragraph which I only just added because I wanted this to be a goodbye letter.
So yes. I’m finally accepting it. I’m finally moving on. I’m on my way to being okay.
I need you to know this. I need you to know that I never experienced such intense emotions as I did the day you waltzed into my life.
I need you to know that I have never felt such indescribable joy. The kind of joy where you can’t stop smiling. The kind that takes over your whole being and just makes it impossible to think of anything but the feeling of your hand on my back or of the time you shyly said I was pretty.
But then there was also the intense grief. The pain I felt when you drifted away. The tears I cried when you forgot and made me feel like a second choice. The heavy feeling when I couldn’t tell you what I really felt. Every time I tried, you turned me down.
I want you to know that when you entered my life, you changed everything. Without meaning to, I dropped my heart in your hands and suddenly, you were in charge. I want you to know that the rational side of me screamed and begged me to be careful. I want you to know how many of my friends fiercely encircled me and made me blankly promise to keep my heart safe from you.
I want you to know that despite everything, I still gave you my heart. I still told the people I loved the most about how happy you made me. I allowed myself to go crazy analysing your every text, your every move, your everything. I allowed myself to believe that we could one day actually be something.
I need you to know that I read so much into everything. That at times I convinced myself that I was worthless and that you were just putting up with me. I wanted to throw in the towel so many times. I didn’t understand why you were doing what you were doing and I drove myself crazy wondering. God I wish you knew just how crazy you drove me.
I need you to know that I never believed that we would last forever. That even though you were perfect for me in every way, I knew that one day, I would find myself sitting on my bathroom floor, crying raw tears over you.
That one day, I would be miles away from you and your name would be a bitter taste in my mouth. That perhaps one day I would look back and remember these incredible few months where we texted every day and craved to know everything we could about each other and I would smile.
Yet I still allowed you in. I still let you slowly lower my guard. I stupidly let you in even though I knew that one day, you would hurt me so badly.
I want you to know that I understood why you had to say no to me. I was hurt but I understood. Not for the first time, I put you above myself. I always put you first and the worst part is that you knew you had me wrapped around your finger. You knew and you let it happen anyway.
You should know that no matter what, every time our song comes on, I’ll think of you. I’ll think of sitting next to you in your car with you telling me to sing along and to not be afraid to sound bad. I’ll remember dancing to drum solos at traffic lights. I’ll remember falling in love with you in the quiet darkness. I’ll remember everything.
I don’t know if I’ll look back at this letter and laugh at how juvenile I was. Or if I’ll look back and ask myself why in the hell I didn’t see it coming. But there you go. There’s three months worth of feelings and memories that you have given me.
So goodbye. I wish it hadn’t ended the way it did and I wish I hadn’t misjudged your character so badly. I wish I hadn’t fallen so fast and I wish I had listened to the people that pointed out the red flags. But you know, I don’t wish you ill. I hope you have a good life. That’s all.