A Letter To Myself: The End Of A Chapter

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Dear Cam,

I wanted to write you a letter because a lot is going on in your life right now and I wanted to  help you close this chapter. I want to write to you because one day, when everything is okay again, I want you to be able to look back and to see how far you’ve come.

So let’s start from the top. It’s over. Okay. It’s okay. You are okay. It’s hurting like crazy now. You want to cry.  It feels like a knife has been stabbed into your heart. It feels like that knife twists every time you move. Everything in you is shattering and I know it’s so damn hard. I know. But babe, you will be okay.

You survived 19 years and 6 months without him and you will continue to survive. You will continue to be the happy, cheerful person you have always been. You will continue to immerse yourself in life. You will continue to get every bit of life that you deserve and you will be okay.

He was not, and will never be, the sun.

Feeling wanted is a great feeling but look around you. Look at how many people circled you when it all went to hell. Look at how many people fiercely protected you even when it  was going good.

Look around and see how many people love you. Look around and see how wanted you are. My love, you don’t need the validation of a single boy to feel wanted. To feel important. I promise you that you are loved beyond measure.

You will find him one day and it will be magical. Just because it’s not right now does not mean it will never happen. You’ve got everything ahead of you. You’ve got someone so much better ahead of you. Someone who won’t do half the things he did to you. Someone who will look at you and who will actually see you. So hold on and be patient.

School is starting next week and I know you’re so excited but also so scared. Listen to me. You got all the subjects you wanted. God has blessed you with everything your heart desired this semester. I know it feels like you are going to be walking onto a battleground come Monday but I want you to hold your head up high okay?

I want you to walk into that lecture hall and I want you to sit exactly where you want to sit. If no one sits next to you for a whole semester again, who cares. It just means less distraction and a better chance for you to excel.

I know you don’t have a group for the projects yet and that is terrifying but you know what? Who cares. You will get a group and you will work with them and you will do well. You are smart. You work harder then anyone I know and you will do well. Screw what everyone else says or does. You keep doing your thing.

I have watched you grow so much over the last six months. Your internship turned you into a fearless warrior. Look at you. Look at what you have accomplished. What reason does anyone have to look down on you? What reason does anyone in the world have to believe that you are incapable?

Babe, you walked into an embalming room audaciously. Even though the first embalming sent you spiralling for over a month, you walked in there and you did it. What makes you think you can’t walk into a classroom with that same attitude? What makes you so much more afraid of a lecture hall? They are just people. Just people.

After all, school is school and life is life. And you have proven that you can excel in life just as much as you can in school.

I mean for goodness sake! Just would you look at yourself? Just look! You’ve come so far. Where’s the anxious girl who was constantly having anxiety attacks and crying herself to sleep? Where’s the girl who hid herself away all the time and used books as a way to turn invisible? Where’s the girl who was scared to talk to someone unfamiliar much less interview them? She’s gone and you’ve taken her place and I don’t know about you but I really prefer this version of you.

Two weeks ago, you made the decision to talk about something that you probably should not have talked about. Now I’m not an oracle and I can’t tell you what the consequences of telling will have or even if it was the right choice to make. But for now, stop worrying. You did what you thought was best at that time and there’s no taking it back. All you can do is trust that it will be handled the way it should be. Believe that it will be okay alright? You made a brave decision and now you will deal with the consequences because that is what you need to do. He trusted you and only you because of this. You have not betrayed him. You have saved him.

This week, your family came together in a way that you thought no longer possible. I am so happy that if only for a few days, you could experience a life that you really deserved. You never deserved what happened. What’s happening. You never did anything wrong even though I know you blame yourself. So I’m happy for you okay. Hold on to that feeling. Hold on to that scrap of normal because you will need it in the months to come.

They are there. Even though it seems like your family is slipping through your fingers. Even though you feel like you are drifting very far from them. They are there. They are here and they love you and when the storm clears, they will still be there. So just please hang on to that knowledge okay?

You have come so far and I’m so proud of you. No matter what happens from this point on, you will always have so much to be proud of. I love you very much and quite frankly that’s all that matters. Keep your chin up. You got this.

Lots of Love,
Cam

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11 thoughts on “A Letter To Myself: The End Of A Chapter

  1. Fadwa (Word Wonders) says:

    This letter broke my heard and made me smile at the same time ❤ I love how strong you are, keep doing what you're doing, be the best you you can be and everything will eventually turn out fine ❤
    This is relatable to me on so so many levels and it is actually comforting to find someone who goes through similar experiences. I know how sometimes a boy can seem like the whole universe, been there, done that. But he's not and will never be. I know school and LIFE can scare the shit out of me, and they do most of the time and I find myself sitting in my bed just thinking about it all and drowning under stress. But as you said, at the end of the day, school is just school and life is just life.

    Liked by 1 person

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