Literally words have been stripped from me.
I just passed my driving test. I passed my freaking driving test!!!!
I’m a licenced driver. I am a licenced driver. I can’t. I have to say it over and over because I just can’t believe it.
I AM A LICENCED DRIVER!!!
Oh guys. I can’t even believe this. You know on the 17th of January 2015 I registered to learn to drive. It’s been just over a year since then and it’s been such an emotional and physical journey for me.
I remember how terrified I was before both my theory tests. I remember how hard I was shaking when I first stepped into my car. I remember how my heart nearly burst with joy when my instructor let me drive my first round around the circuit on my first day. I remember how upset I would get when I got shouted at. How miserable I would feel after screwing up royally during a lesson. I remember the panic when I kept mixing up the brake and the accelerator and I nearly slammed into an carpark gantry and almost hit a bunch of pedestrians.
And then I remember registering for my first test. I was so confident. I knew what I was doing and had no doubt that I would pass. I failed. I got 16 points and then one immediate failure when I scrapped the kerb while positioning my car for parallel parking.
My second test came and I knew I was going to pass this time. Everyone knew that you always failed your first and passed your second. I had this. I failed again. This time I got 30 points.
By the time I registered for my third test, something in me had broken. I was no longer as confident.
I actually wrote this little piece yesterday on the bus when I was feeling my absolute worst. I wasn’t going to publish it but now I’m thinking why the heck not.
I don’t know how to say this in words so I thought I would write it down.
My driving test is tomorrow. It’s been 2 weeks since I failed my second test and since yesterday, I have been experiencing the most crippling anxiety and fear that I have ever experienced possibly in my whole life.
Last night I lay in bed and I started to pray for my driving. I wanted to talk about the fear that was gripping me so intensely. That very quickly turned into tears and then a full meltdown. I cried my heart out in the dark.
When I was about to go for my very first driving test, I remember how confident I was. I knew I could do it. I failed. The second time I was less confident but I still had it under control. I failed again.
After that failure, something changed. I started to become very upset. For the last two weeks I have been feeling very depressed. I have been wound so tight. I can’t relax. I can’t sleep. I’ve had nightmares. I lost my confidence completely. Today I went for a driving lesson and my stomach was hurting like I was being punched over and over again. I had to fight tears on the way there. My hands were shaking on the steering wheel and I nearly cried with relief when it was over.
Tomorrow is my driving test and there is no way I can explain how horribly afraid I am. I feel like I’m dying. Like I’m going to throw up. I can’t fail again. If I fail I don’t think I will be able to do it again. I really don’t.
This morning, I got up at 5.45am. My warm up was at 7.25am and my test was at 8.30am. I don’t want to go too much into the mistakes I made but my biggest flaw was that I was too nervous. You see I lost that gutsy confidence and now my hands shake on the wheel and I start to panic.
I thought for sure that I was going to fail by the end of it. I couldn’t imagine how I would pass after that horrible test. But for some reason the guy passed me with 16 points.
When he told me, I started to cry and it became a full on sobbing, ugly cry thing right there in public. I was just so relieved.
Since this morning, my mom has let me take her car out and drive just two rounds around our neighbourhood. I expected to have got my confidence back. I mean I didn’t have an instructor next to me and there wasn’t a test going on. I thought I would be okay.
Turns out that was not the case. I started out okay. But when I got to the main road, I realised that I was going at like 15-20km/hr and I was just so terrified to go faster. People were overtaking me and my mom was pushing me to speed up but I just got so scared.
I held it together though because you can’t lose it behind the wheel but I have to admit that I am now very scared of how I’m going to keep driving. I have this intense fear that I’m going to kill someone. I mean it’s so different knowing that the person next to you has a emergency brake as compared to an actual car in which your passenger has no way to stop an accident if you mess up no matter how skilled they are.
Anyway, my dad will be home from his business trip on Saturday and he’s going to be forcing me on the road and forcing me to drive faster and more confidently. It’s very scary but I know it’s the only way I’ll ever properly learn. Honestly the school prepares you largely for the test. The real world is surprisingly different.
So that’s all I really have to say today. Just a quick little update. I am honestly so excited to be starting a new chapter of sorts in my life. I feel like such an adult!