I have slightly less then an hour before I am meeting my friends to film our first project for our Location Production class. I wanted to write because I have been feeling extremely wired up and anxious ever since Saturday night and I just can’t shake the feeling.
On Saturday night, I started to feel a bit queasy and my stomach started to hurt. I knew that it was because I was teaching Sunday School the next day and I was nervous about that. Don’t ask me why. After teaching, I thought I would feel better. However, the nausea and pain still stuck with me all day. Last night, I couldn’t relax and go to sleep. I was in pain and I tossed and turned for a good 2 hours. This morning, I woke up at 6am and couldn’t go back to sleep. Now, I’m sitting in my school’s food court and I’m trembling and feeling pretty crappy.
So I decided to write about it. Even as I type this, I can feel myself starting to relax a little. I’m honestly so tired. Anxiety, especially having it for such a long period of time consecutively, is exhausting. Quite frankly, I don’t want to do today. I have filming till about 12pm or so then I have Rock Climbing at 3pm till 5pm. I just want to go home. I feel awful. I’m freezing cold and every muscle in my body seems to be on red-alert for no reason at all. I don’t want to talk to anyone right now. I don’t want to socialise. I am the producer for this filming project and that means that I do a lot of the organising and logging and things like that. It means I have to be very people-y today. I just don’t think I can do it. The only way I can’t get through today is to shut down.
When I’m hyper-stressed, anxious or tired, I tend to shut down. I will number the things I have to do in my head and I will keep talking to myself. I won’t talk to anyone but myself and I will tick things off in my head till I’m finally done and then I will go home and collapse. I will basically fall into myself till I am done. It’s my coping mechanism. I obviously can’t do that all day today though so I will most likely just have to suck it up and manage it myself.
Honestly, this post isn’t going to help anyone but me. This is a post for me to feel better. I just want to post it because I want to and I can’t really explain it but sometimes even the act of posting my feelings make me feel better. I have a headache, I’m still in pain, my heart is racing and I’m shivering. I feel like crap but somehow I have to function today. Ugh.